There is something about the intersection of peri-menopause and puberty that makes mid-life parenting extra special. On any given day, someone in the family unit is experiencing an explosion of hormones.
Some days, it is my eleven-year-old son.
Some days, it is forty-seven-year-old me.
Other days... you know where I’m going with this.
Today was a particularly “fun” example of what happens when we have a mother-son, head-on, hormonal collision.
Son (regarding evil younger brother): He’s lying! Why do you always believe him instead of me?
Mom: You have exactly one chance to tell me the truth now, or I will keep your cell phone for a whole week.
Son: Fine! I don’t know where my cell phone is anyway!
Mom: What?? When was the last time you had it?
Son: I don’t know and I don’t care.
Mom: Then give me your I-pod instead, and if you don’t find your cell phone by dinner time tonight, you won’t be playing basketball tomorrow.
Son: You’re so mean! You never punish him (evil younger brother) when he loses his cell phone. This is all so stupid. Everything you say is stupid!
Mom: Keep it up and you’ll be out of basketball for the whole season.
Son: What?? You’re the meanest mom ever.
I wish I could say this was the end of it, or an exaggerated version of a much milder exchange. In truth, we continued trading nastiness all the way to school, where I dropped him off with no breakfast, no lunch and no closure.
While I offered the warmest “I love you,” I could muster, my beautiful son departed sullen and silent, for a long, hungry day at school.
Dammit.
As I drove away, it took me all of five seconds to feel those depressing things seemingly reserved for parents of adolescents: Failure. Frustration. Guilt. Remorse.
I thought back to that single moment, earlier in the morning, when the escalation began – when my own ungoverned emotions seized control from my best intentions and common sense.
And I wished I could do it over.
Technology has perfected the art of the rewind and replay. I don’t know how I ever enjoyed TV before my DVR. But an actual real-life re-do?
Well, maybe not exactly, but perhaps I could come close. Somewhere in the unwritten code to conscious parenting, there must be something about never, ever giving up.
As long as we both drew breath, there was the opportunity for communication.
Even better (here is where the lemons become lemonade), I had just presented myself and my son with the perfect teachable moment: And now, for her next trick, Mom will teach her son the art of the heartfelt apology.
Conscious parenting is definitely about teaching by example.
First, I called to notify the school that I would be picking up my son for lunch (the poor kid did need to eat, at least.) Then, I prayed for peace. And eloquence. And a dab of courage.
We went to his favorite Mexican restaurant and ordered burritos.
Mom: Honey, I want to talk to you about what happened this morning.
Son (cautiously): Okay.
Mom: First, I want to apologize. I’m really sorry about the way I talked to you. That’s not the way that I want us to talk to each other, even when we disagree.
Son: I’m sorry too.
Mom: And I’m not going to make you skip basketball, or take your I-pod. I want you to make good choices because you want to do the right thing, not because I am threatening you.
Son: Thanks, Mom!
We then proceeded to have a great lunch, complete with dessert (an unusual treat, in our family.) We agreed that we should start a new mother-son tradition: Lunch out for just the two of us, at least once a month.
We hugged long and hard in the parking lot and when I dropped him off at school, I got at least three I love you Mom’s as he got out of the car.
Much better.
Am I worried that I just rewarded my son’s disrespectful behavior with lunch out at a restaurant? Or that I glossed over deeper relationship issues with a dish of fried ice cream?
No.
I am glad of the opportunity to repair my connection with my son, and to show him a way to strengthen his own relationships in the future.
I trust that in the long run, he will learn more from a parenting technique based in love, rather than one driven by fear or control.
Back in my corporate days, we used to talk about some research that showed that if you messed up with a customer, but did a really good job fixing things, your relationship ended up stronger than it would have been, had there been no mistake in the first place.
I think this might apply to families, too.
I would certainly never suggest that you pick a fight with your teenage son as a means to grow closer... but, assuming the opportunity presents itself eventually, don’t miss the chance to rewind, replay and repair.
To Learn More
While I thank my mother for teaching me the beauty and grace of the parental apology, I must also acknowledge Pam Leo. I’ve mentioned her book before: In Connection Parenting: Parenting through Connection instead of Coercion, through Love instead of Fear , Pam shares the whole story of using rewind, repair and replay as a parenting technique.
And yes, I am aware that taking away a child’s cell phone to control behavior falls under the heading of coercion, not connection. I’m hoping to get this whole mid-life parenting thing down before I graduate from mid-life... or they graduate from college.
I read Pam Leo's Connection parenting in January. My family has been employing "rewind, repair, replay" ever since. It is a wonderful tool!
Posted by: Ruth | February 12, 2009 at 08:06 AM