Sometimes, it really does take a village. If you are raising pre-teens or teenagers – especially as a single parent – make sure your support network is ready and able to back you up when needed.
While dropping my kids off for soccer practice last night, I quietly informed the coach that one of my sons was wearing the same socks for the third night running – sans washing.
He immediately promised to give the team a pep talk on personal hygiene. And threw in a helpful reminder that school and family come before sports, no matter what.
Thank you.
Am I nuts, exposing our family’s dirty laundry – quite literally – to a non-relative?
Am I a bad parent, betraying my hygiene-challenged son’s dirty little secrets to someone outside his immediate family?
I sincerely hope not. Because truth be told, I’ve been sharing a lot of family secrets in recent months.
Ever since puberty arrived in the Brown house.
Isn’t it lovely, the way a parent’s IQ drops one point per day, as soon as their oldest child turns eleven? We were warned about this phenomenon at seventh grade parents’ night last week. Our middle school helpfully distributed pamphlets adapted from the wonderful Yardsticks: Children in the Classroom Ages 4-14.
They included helpful clues to the social attitudes developing in our little seventh graders. “Question and argue with adults about rules... more willing to accept guidance from adults other than teachers and parents... peer opinions matter more than those of teachers and parents.”
Uh huh.
I understand the situation reverses itself once your child reaches adulthood, but I have serious doubts about my ability to wait that long. (And I’m rather concerned that the reversal won’t really take hold until said child has acquired children of their own... when we become grandparents – the wise ones.)
My oldest son turned eleven over a year ago, so my IQ is currently down in the negative number zone.
Mom knows NOTHING.
Even when I am repeating something he’s heard from multiple other sources, the veracity of my message is questioned. He will argue with me about the merits of doing his homework, the danger of spreading germs by purposely sneezing on his brother and the color of the sky.
“Blue,” I say.
“Well, not really.”
Faced with my extreme lack of credibility (in his eyes, anyway), I have taken to recruiting trusted lieutenants to deliver – or at least, reinforce – my parenting messages for me.
This has taken some getting used to. I want everyone I know to think well of my son and our family. I want them to see his beauty and his brilliance. I would not typically choose to reveal his aversion to daily showers and clean laundry.
And I am trying to maintain just a slight air of parental competence, myself.
Oh well.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I am bringing in the cavalry. I’ve enlisted friends, neighbors, godparents, our former nanny and now, our soccer coach to deliver some of the messages necessary for healthy growth but somehow deemed untrue when coming from a parent.
“It’s true, you really shouldn’t play with matches.”
“Yes, it’s the law: you really do need to wear a bike helmet.”
“Cool kids listen to their parents.”
Still working on that last one.
I think this might be a bigger deal for single parents. We don’t have built-in reinforcements at home. Still, my married friends tell me this is an issue in their households, as well.
I guess, being single in this case just means that you have to reach farther to find someone to commiserate with, after a particularly ridiculous argument with your twelve-year-old over whether his math teacher really does expect him to complete his homework as assigned.
When I feel like my head is going to explode, I phone a friend. Thank goodness, there are millions who have gone before me. And Thank God, most of our peccadilloes are not unique.
“Your son refuses to use soap or shampoo and tries to make up for it by coating his body with deodorant and ends up going to school smelling like a vat of Old Spice? Been there, done that.”
So, perhaps the parental support group serves two purposes: To be our allies in raising our children the best way we know how; and to reassure us that we are never, ever alone on this path called parenting.
Or, maybe they are just there to help us laugh, to help us breathe and to pour the wine.
Related Posts:
If you would like to share my parenting adventures while raising adolescents, you can check out “Single Parent: More on the Joys of Raising Boys” and “A Letter of Apology to My Parents, Whom I Love and Adore.”
For a slightly more serious (and possibly more helpful) take on the subject, please see “Attention Conscious Parents: Please Read This Book!”
Recommended Reading:
I am currently recommending this book to anyone working with children (especially teens and pre-teens): Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate, M.D. Whether you are a single parent raising adolescents or a two-parent couple just getting into toddlerhood or a middle school teacher who cares about their students, there is an important message here. Please read!!
To learn more about what to expect from (and hope for) your school-aged child, see Yardsticks: Children in the Classroom Ages 4-14, by Chip Wood. It is a great reference tool for parents and a quick read. It is chock full of conscious parenting tips that you can use today.
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